Confessions of an Ice-Cream Addict

I'm in love with a boy who doesn't love me. </3

Still haven't weighed. Total wuss. My cold is really bugging me today, as is family and Christmas spirit. I really am a total scrooge this year, it's embarassing. I convinced my mum to get joint supplement for my dog today as he is old and arthritic and I worry about him. So im in charge of seeing that he gets that. I'm loving my ds at the moment, I hadn't played it for ages then I got a couple of new games and now I love playing it again.

I am on a mission to organise my i-tunes completely and get my netbook in order cus everything is all over the place on it and i have alot of music and files that i never use and they're just wasting space. I also need to find some new thinspo.

That's all for now.

Back here again. I've lost count of the number of times I have left this place in my head only to return. It has been quite awhile since I have been on here, I live in England now for uni purposes but am home for Christmas at the moment. I am getting a new phone 4 christmas, a touch phone, with unlimited internet access OH YES facebook n lj all the way. We have no internet access at our student house so this phone will be awesome.

My life is a bit of a shambles at the moment. My bf and I broke up after a year and a half of struggling to make it work. You'd think that would have had me in a twist but no, I'm doing fine. It does hurt but I have found comfort in my ex (as a friend) but i met up with him recently and realised i still have feelings 4 him n we ended up sleeping together. NOW im coming undone. I dont know what it is about this guy, its been nearly 3 years yet i still feel things for him, I think about him all the time and I rele miss him. It felt so right to be in his arms again now thats gone. This was the guy that started my problem with food these 3 years ago and now im right back under his spell. Im so stupid.

Bah. Atleast christmas is coming soon to distract me, tho his aunt lives a few doors down and he'll be there on christmas day... so close ah. And food EVERYWHERE. Im rele trying to sort out my eating routine and cut down. People keep saying ive lost more weight but i feel like ive put on like 10 stone.

I havent weighed in agessss cus im so scared, when i do ill post.

I cant believe I went so long without posting, I've really let myself go. And not posting was part of the avoidance technique; as was the denial of the increase in my eating and reduction in exercise. I'm a moron. I had such a major downfall over the past few weeks but am back in the swing of things now and already feel better for it. Im sick of making myself miserable, it's time to get down to business and get this in order. Ive got my slendertone belt at last and I'm addicted to it already! Best of all, I can bring it to uni with me! Whereas my exercise bike and airwalker... not so much.

Im really nervous about college, it's gonna be so scary moving away from home for good this time. Admittedly I'll come home for hols but once the course is finished I hope to live there and work there anyway. I really hope the slendertone and my yoga will be enough to keep my weight down, as well as avoiding dinner and snacks. I dont want to balloon up again like I did last year and the year before. Eek!

Funny thing, I've started baking. Loads. Yet I'm eating less and less. It's great. I love baking so much, but I'm managing not to eat the stuff I make. I try them to be honest, to see how they've come out. But after that I leave it to my family and bf to eat the stuff I bake haha.

My quote for today is "Eat less, weigh less"

Hasn't everyone at some point in their life?

Falling slowy out of control once again,
And the scales are calling my name.
Terrfied to step on and see the figure rise,
What a horrible surprise.
Summers here, the sun is out,
And all I want to do is scream and shout.
I'm fed up, I've had enough,
I'm getting sick of feeling so dan rough.
When I see the rolls of fat that are my body,
I make a silent wish to be somebody, anybody.

 

 

O MY FRICKIN' GOODNESS!! I cant remember the last time I was this low. Sick one i know.. But who gives a damn when Im at it now! :D It isnt LOW i get that, but for me, after so long, it really is. 1 lb away from 120! Im so thrilled (: I defo hope to be there by the end of the week, im hoping tomorro or wed but dont wanna disappoint myself by aiming to do it overnight and failing again. Once I get there it'll be down down downnnn. Im sure of it.

Started my yoga again yesterday, fantastic.. i love it. Ive been really busy too which is helping me keep active and away from bingeing. I got my results yesterday and I passed my course and got my degree. Im so glad! And my driving theory test is next tuesday and mum is taking me out in the car tonight for a lesson. Really trying to work out what I want to do with my life now.. more studying or time to start work.. Idk.

Ok so really bad day today. It was my bday yday and my bf didnt speak 2 me at all, not even a 2 word text wishing me happy bday and hadnt spoken 2 me in a few days 4 no apparent reason, but i figured he was busy. But the bday thing just pissed me off. We've been together over a year so it shud mean sumthing 2 him. Then he text me 1st thing this morning saying it was over. I called him and yelled for a very long time lol and asked why he had changed so suddenly. We broke up 2 weeks ago or so and it devasted us both (or so i thot) and i was certainly in it 4 keeps this time round and he had sat on my bed with me last monday and promised he wud never leave me and nearly losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. I told him i was scared it wud happen agen and he kept swearing I cud trust him. Then he does this. Just over a week after. And I had done nothing wrong so I didnt understand. I was absolutely destroyed after this call this morning, then a few hrs later he contacted me saying he seemed determined to throw away everything good in his life and then we spoke on the fone and he cried for ages and pleaded with me 2 be with him & forgive him, etc etc.

We talked 4 ages and I told him how hard it wud be 2 do this AGEN and 2 have faith in him like before. I gave him everything. Ive been in love before, but never like this. I lost my virginity to him so im even more attached to him if that makes sense (sorry 4 the probable 'too much info') I dontwant to be THAT girl.. u know hu gets thrown away and picked back up whenever it suits or who gets dumped but just takes it wen he comes crawling back.

I really do believe he's the love of my life but I dont even know why!! If anyone reads this... What wud u do??

I know.. I know.. I'm a moron.

I still have so far to go, and ive been putting this off for so long but I decided I shud just do it. I know im still soo pudgy, and my legs are HUGH so i wont even go there... Lol. But i wanna hav sumthing 2 compare 2 and I have lost over 20lbs lol (i know, i was THAT fat)

( Pics.. )

I would be happy.

"If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble".

FAT FAT FAT.

"Overmastering passion of any kind, as desire or (esp.) anger: frenzy... To behave with passion, esp. with furious anger: to storm: to be prevalent and violent."

This is how I feel right now. I have done for the past hour and more.. Mixed in with the occasional moments of guilt and fear. I have no idea why. I had a fight with my mum the second she came in the door - over nothing. I just feel furious but without reason. I can't remember the last time I was this angry. I don't understand...

I NEED TO LOSE. I NEED TO LOSE. I NEED TO LOSE.

Things are finally back on track, life is good and I intend to keep it that way. After nearly losing my bf forever I realised just how important he was to me and am going to do everything I can to make it work the second time around. And I'm gaining control over what I eat, how much, and when. Still a bit to go to achieving the level of control I want but I'm doing so well, I'm really pleased. Starting to lose again which is fantastic. Still a stretch ahead of me tho til I reach my goal but I'm getting closer all the time (:

Today I plan to distract myself with my laptop, which is something I'm trying to do less of if you've read my previous entry but I really need to organise my music and my i-pod and do some defrag etc. And it will be easy to maintain with minimum time. And given the amount of music and the stuff I wanna do with my i-pod I think it will take the best part of the next few hours which is GREAT =D

Then I wanna finish sorting my room, I just got back from uni and have finally finished unpacking (after a week lol) but need to organise my room a bit to finish it all off.

I also have exercise planned, which always makes me feel good (:

See my bf.
Decide what uni to go to in Sept.
Update my bebo.
Finish my current Jodi Picoult book.
Get back into reading like I used to.
Spend less time on this computer.
Discover a new band/artist.
Get back into my piano and drawing.
Reach a weight I'm totally happy with.
Get fit (for my own health benefits aswell as weight loss)
Do something interesting.
Earn some cash and start saving.
Learn to drive.
Get my summer shopping done (contradicts the saving i know ha).
Stay this happy forever.

I am struggling. Immensely. My heart is in pieces, my faith is suffering. Only my hope flickers bright sometimes. Or should I call it desperation...

I can't remember the last time I had such blind moments of panic, I can barely breathe for the crushing fear that suddenly surrounds me. I can't remember the last time I felt so isolated and alone. I am making a conscious effort to smile and be nice when people speak to me, I try to live as normal though I've lost all purpose for living in the first place. I don't feel connected to the world around me anymore, I feel like I'm simply walking around, unable to actually reach people. I'm somehow seperated from them in some invisible, unknown way.

So here I stand, completely alone.

I HATE BOYS.